Moving Forward
by Emzi001
Summary: It's been 2 years since Tony left Ziva in Israel. 2 years since they last spoke. Can they move on? Or do they have to take one step back to make another 2 forward? Disclaimer: NCIS Not mine, unfortunately :(
1. Time

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of NCIS**

_**A/N: So this is my first fanfic ever so please review and let me know what you think, should i continue with it?**_

Time is the only constant of the universe. Life begins and invariably ends but as we as a society advance life lasts longer and is in a word or three: No longer constant. Tony was only just beginning to appreciate the irony in this. Time flies by when you're having fun but in reality it is just continuing at its constant speed; it is our perceptions of time and irrelevant manipulations and attempts at controlling time which make the specific length of time seem to be altered. For Tony time had slowed to almost a standstill, a film at only 25% its actual speed. For 2 years Tony had been forced to measure time by those around him rather than himself for fear of remembering what he was missing: Ziva.

Ziva like Tony had trouble adapting to time apart and, like for Tony, time seemed to reflect that of a poor book: a slow start, an imperceptible climax that one has to search and search for to find and an undefined ending. The ending which has yet to be written.

Ziva was puzzled; her day had started in the usual way: she woke up and went for a run. That much had never changed, even while trying to better herself and become who she once wanted to be – before Mossad moulded her into a perfect soldier - for Ziva was a creature of habit. But that was the end of the similarities. Once returning from her run she discovered a package on her doorstep with no postal markings or address and weighing very little.

Almost as soon as she noted these discrepancies, Ziva shifted from a state of calm to alert as she carefully opened the package. Immediately three objects caught her eye: A note; a plane ticket to London and her Star of David necklace.

Despite 2 long years of absence, Ziva began worrying about Tony's welfare and how he might be in trouble. Thankfully her newly discovered rationality, from her time discovering herself, kicked in and Ziva decided to read the note before jumping to conclusions. At first glance Ziva had trouble reading the words for they blurred together as she recognized the uniquely cursive script. So almost as suddenly as she decided to read it she put it down, momentarily glancing at it before continuing with her day.

It wasn't until a few hours later that Ziva remembered the package and it's contents as it caught the corner of her eye while cleaning. She knew she couldn't put it off any longer: She had to read it. If she didn't she knew she'd regret it.

**Zi, **

**It has been some time since we last spoke, I guess that's my fault as well as yours. Every day I think of you and every day I wish it could be different, but I respected your wishes and allowed you to try to move on and become who you wanted to be. I hope you have succeeded. The plane ticket is an ultimatum: I need to see you, I hope you come but I guess if you don't I'll be forced to move on however hard it may be.**

**I once said " I can't live without you" I still can't.**

**-Tony**

Ziva wanted to go, that much she knew, but something held her back and, like the thoughts that plagued her and Tony for years preventing their own happy ending, Ziva's thoughts were full of fear. What if he was lying? Would he like what she had become? But the one that troubled her was: What does he mean he couldn't and can't live without her?

Glancing at the tickets Ziva noticed the departure time and almost like a sudden craving for Tony had struck she walked out the door and drove towards the airport.

Tony was lost. Well that was an understatement. Tony was stuck. He couldn't move forward. He was stuck in the past. In one last attempt to move forward he may have given up his chance for hope. But then what did he have to lose?


	2. Thoughts

_**A/N So I thought I'd carry on for a bit longer. I don't know how long it will be yet but I have a minimum of about 5 more chapters planned out. Please review, good or bad I'd like your opinions.**_

Sometimes when you're alone or in the company of those you take for granted you find yourself drifting into the land of your dreams. You think about what you want, what you need or how to cope. Trouble is more often than not these thoughts are ones which cause you to question yourself and ultimately lose faith in who you are. These are the thoughts which force you to change: For better and for worse.

Tony had had two long years to question his decision to get on the plane, or at least get on the plane without her, and now once again he was questioning himself. Sitting on a plane with complete strangers and no-one to talk to for 8 hours, longer if you include take-off, landing and all the security (which was shorter for him: one of the perks of being a federal agent.), can be lonely and the prison of your mind is difficult to escape from.

He couldn't help but wonder if she would accept him. He had changed a lot since he got on the plane. Matured. Become the man he thought she deserved. She didn't deserve who he was before: the unfaithful, immature playboy who always got what he wanted - and yet she had liked him. Would she like who he had become?

Ziva, as usual was having almost synonymous thoughts during her flight. She like Tony had changed. She was no longer the hard-core assassin he had fallen for and that worried her. Had he liked her because of who she was or who she was capable of being? If it was the former then she was in trouble. She had no intention of becoming that again. Even for him.

Tony's flight landed first and as he collected his suitcase from baggage claim he debated what to do. He couldn't bear to wait for her only to find she would not show. He wouldn't be able to deal with the pain. The disappointment. Himself. He had been the one to initiate the trip and had gone without consulting her, blindly following his hope and belief that for some reason she would come. Would be unable to resist using the ticket he paid for. He just couldn't wait. He couldn't wait for disappointment. Yet something held him back. What if she had, for some unknown reason decided he was worth it and had come. He couldn't let some stranger pick her up. He definitely couldn't make her take a taxi somewhere, when she wouldn't know where he was. Where to find him.

As Ziva walked through baggage claim and into the crowds of family waiting to meet their loved ones she couldn't help but wonder. She didn't know how to greet him. Had he moved on? _I once said: "I can't live without you" I still can't. _Had he lied to get her to come? The old Tony would have. But the Tony who left her at the airport was a different Tony to the one she had met. He had grown in the time she knew him. She only hoped he hadn't returned to his former self or worse someone unrecognisable in her absence. Where was he? Had he not come? Left her to find her own way home - wherever that was?

After what seemed like an eternity later Ziva decided to give up her search. He wasn't here. He'd given up. As she turned something caught her eye. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face the one thing only he would do for her. Standing next to a rental car was a man in a suit, who held a placard saying her name. Slowly she walked over to him and said "I'm Ziva David."

_**PS: There will be another chapter in the next few days, by Monday. If there's anything you want to see just include it in a review and I will try :)**_


	3. Almost there

_**A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews I will try to reply to them if I can. Would you like longer chapters or should I keep the chapters about the same length? Please review, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.**_

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><p>**<em>The end of last chapter**<em>

_After what seemed like an eternity later Ziva decided to give up her search. He wasn't here. He'd given up. As she turned something caught her eye. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face the one thing only he would do for her. Standing next to a rental car was a man in a suit, who held a placard saying her name. Slowly she walked over to him and said "I'm Ziva David."_

_**And now the next chapter**_

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><p>"It's you, good; he told me there was a chance you wouldn't show. He also asked that you show me your ID he doesn't want some stranger taking the car, leaving you here stranded."<p>

While Ziva was pulling out her ID she began to realise how much she had hurt him by making him leave. _He told me there was a chance you wouldn't show. _How could he think she wouldn't show? Had he lost faith in her as well as himself? Ziva just hoped that he would forgive her. Thankfully, something in her gut told her, he already had. The thoughts that followed were a bit more frantic. She had just realised she had no idea where to take the rental car to, to find him and break the sacred rule 6. She was no longer concerned about weakness; while in Israel she had accepted and embraced hers.

"Okay so here are the keys. Oh, and he also told me to give this to you." The man gave her a box and some keys and walked off, leaving her alone, once again to her thoughts. Slowly, Ziva sat down in the car and decided to open the box; it might hold the key of where to go. Opening the box, Ziva, like in Israel saw three things: Another note, a key and a pristine Sat-Nav with an address for a home already programmed in.

Ziva trusted Tony, and despite what she had said at the airport she had stopped it for him, and now she realised he had changed to. He was no longer the playboy full of pranks. He was still Tony always would be, but when it came to her: he was insecure and had lost his faith, despite all that had happened between them.

Unlike in Israel, Ziva opened the note immediately, not surprised by the hurried scrawl scattering the page. Carefully, despite her anxiety Ziva opened and read the note, trying not to be affected by Tony's obvious desperation.

**Zi,**

**I didn't know if you'd come. I'm sorry for that lack of faith, I really am, but I don't think I could have faced it if I had waited for you to find you didn't show; at least this way I thought that if you didn't come I'd have more time and wouldn't be one of those losers left waiting at the airport only to find the person they were waiting for hadn't come, or worse had come with a 'friend'. **

**Inside this box you will find a Sat-Nav pre-programmed with an address: I am there. Let yourself in, I promise I won't pull a stunt like this again. I went to this address to escape and if you hadn't shown up: try to finally get over you although I already know I can't.**

**I can't wait to see you. It will bring me feelings that I cannot even attempt to describe.**

**-Tony**

It looked to Ziva like most of the questions her anxiety had caused had been answered within the note and she started to drive; towards the one thing that would her world make complete sense again. They had been apart far too long.

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><p>Tony was scared. Well, that was an understatement. Her plane should have landed 2 hours ago; she should have arrived by now. Thoughts of dread began to plague Tony's mind. What would he say? What would she say? He couldn't have her say she had moved on and that he should to. Then again, what if she hadn't come? He couldn't face that; he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Their whole time apart, in fact every time they were apart, he learnt he couldn't live without her. He could survive, but he couldn't live. Just as Tony was about to give up on her and begin his attempt to move on; he heard a car pull up outside…<p>

Ziva sat in the car for what felt like an eternity. Should she tell him? Could she tell him? How would he react? What would he say? What she would say?

She went to open the car door.

He went to open the door for her.

She couldn't wait.

He couldn't wait to see her.

And like it was fate the doors opened together. Looking up they each felt like they were whole again.

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><p><strong>PS: I will try to update every day or every other day but forgive me if I don't. I'm new to this and i'm trying to follow a vague plan but it's harder than it seems. I bet you had thought Ziva had seen Tony at the airport didn't you. I'll say it again and i know i'm repeating myself but any suggestions good or bad please review :)<strong>


	4. Finally

It was what felt like an eternity before either moved or spoke; each too lost in the other's eyes, taking in the other like a drug that has been removed from the system, the withdrawal symptoms finally leaving with nothing but confusion yet relief in its wake. Like a craving finally being satisfied and the person who felt the craving feeling relieved but guilty, unsure how to proceed.

Ziva was the first to tear her eye's away from Tony's, just in time to prevent a waterfall or tears of joy and regret. She ran to Tony and jumped into him, tears streaming as she ran. Tony though surprised by this outburst of emotion held his ground, holding her like she was an anchor keeping him in reality, keeping him alive. Their hearts were beating in sync, tears falling like a winter shower: inexplicable but unable to stop and neither able to move for fear of it all being a dream.

Time apart had changed them. They knew that and each wanted to get to know the changed partner, knowing that once they knew the other neither would be able to let go.

Tony was different. More Handsome. Mature. Troubled. Ziva thought. He felt different s well. More muscular. Strong. Toned. The changes suggested that he had been working out as an escape from his problems; a lot like she had done before her time in Israel. She was hurt in the knowledge she had likely caused the problems, but she couldn't have done anything differently. She knew that. She knew he knew that too. She had had to escape. Escape violence. Learn to how to embrace the natural side of life and death, as opposed to the cruel, brutal and occasionally sadistic aspects of life. And the forceful end she had been taught to impose. Her time at NCIS had taught her many things, advanced this knowledge to a stage beyond her initial comprehension. She had been taught how to kill, not to feel emotions; yet NCIS, the team and Tony in particular had taught her emotions weren't a weakness and killing was not always necessary, just sometimes inevitable. Despite all the learning she had undergone, she knew the final bit of learning had to be done in isolation. Away from the casual violence she had been taught, even if she was the one preventing it. The incident with Parsa and Ilan had only served to plant the seeds of change and give her the opportunity to do so; and she had taken it. She hoped Tony could notice the differences in her.

He had noticed. She appeared more carefree. Less held back by the restrictions she believed life had imposed. More true to herself than she had ever been. It felt like she had not lost weight nor gained it, but she was softer. Her muscles less defined. Tony thought she looked more feminine, and indeed beautiful, if that was even possible. But he could see the new trust in her eyes that had never been completely present. He knew it was him leaving her in Israel that had done that. In leaving her he had done what she wanted against his own desires and Ziva trusted him more because of it. He knew he had changed as a result. For weeks after leaving her he had been unable to sleep. He had been unable to close his eyes without dreaming about her. He had been unable to look at her desk without missing her; and questioning his decision to leave her. Every time thoughts of her had plagued his mind, every time he had been unable to sleep, he had gone to the gym and if that was closed gone for a run. Eventually the dreams had lessened to a bearable state but in an attempt to give into the selfish desires of his heart he had not stopped running. She had always gone for a morning run before work and he got into the habit of indulging himself in a little Ziva time by doing so himself. This ironically had strengthened his lungs to a pre-plague quality – if not better- and his work had gotten better as had his sleep routine. He hoped Ziva could notice the difference in him.

Neither failed to notice the irony of how they had changed. Tony had become more like Ziva, Ziva more like Tony but somehow both remaining true to themselves, rising to meet and, where possible, defy their own expectations of themselves instead of the expectations of others which they had both lived their lives anticipating and trying to meet.

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><p>After a mere 2 minutes they both became wary of the others proximity and pulled back, each apologising profusely as Tony went to get Ziva's bags from the car. Once inside Tony asked the question which proved to Ziva how little he had changed in reality: "Do you want to watch a movie?"<p>

Agreeing on 'Safe Haven' as Tony had instantly agreed as after he had said that he had always wanted to watch a film like it – he thought the synopsis was similar to how they met: Ziva was escaping her father (instead of a husband) and he was recovering from a loss (not a wife, but a close friend) – Ziva had said that "the book was phenomenal and made her cry at points", Tony put in the disk and they sat down at either end of the couch.

As the movie progressed, albeit slowly as Tony "just had to get some popcorn" and Ziva needed a shower after "a long flight and the following long drive" (which Tony continued to apologise for), they slowly found their way closer to each other and the centre of the couch. By the time Katie was reading the letter from Alex's wife Ziva was wrapped in Tony's arms, head resting on his chest, crying in a way Tony had never seen. Ziva was finally letting down the walls and the dam that had built up behind it, that had been slowly trickling through gaps more and more as during the tie he had known her, finally poured from it, her emotions flooding his mind as well as hers. These tears continued long after the film ended and they remained in that position until Ziva realised that Tony was stifling a yawn, and had been stifling them for a while.

"It's been a long night; it is time to go to bed, yes?"

"Okay, Zi, it's just I'm scared. What if I wake up and this has been a dream?" He asked his insecurity revealing itself for the second time.

"Don't Worry Tony, I will not leave." Despite their years apart this was enough for Tony as he knew she never said things she did not mean and he scampered off down the hall, grabbed Ziva's bag and threw it into a room.

"That's your room, bathrooms down the hall to the right. I'm in the room next door. Just knock if you need anything." With that, Tony walked into the room next door and shut the door.

Ziva was confused. After their greeting and his notes she had assumed they would share a bed, or at least a room. Deciding he must have a reason for it, he probably had someone in DC waiting for him; she slowly went into the room he had indicated.

Tony's reasons for giving her her own room was similar to Ziva's assumption but not the same; Tony assumed that Ziva, a beautiful, strong, independent woman in her own right, must have someone in Israel waiting for her.

Each lay awake, despite their sleepiness, thinking about how lucky the others special person must be. Not knowing in the others mind the special person was in the room next door…

Eventually, Ziva decided she had had enough. She didn't care if he was asleep, she had to tell him. Tell him she only slept well in his arms; she hadn't slept well since Berlin, and before that Paris and demand that he explains himself. If he couldn't live without her, why did he give her a different room or worse, why did he have someone waiting for him at home?

Deciding it was time to find out, only momentarily glancing at the clock as it read 02:34; she went out of her room and stood outside his door. Before she could raise her hand to knock she heard a voice: "Ziva don't go! Stay here with me!"

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><p><em><strong>AN: Reviews greatly appreciated. I hope you liked this chapter. A big thanks to Athenalarissa for being a great help in getting my ideas straight in my head and even giving me more ideas: Thank you so much. **_

_**PS I hope you all like the story so far: There's a lot more to come. And just in case: I do not own Safe Haven or NCIS or any of the characters in either- I wish I did though it would be awesome...**_


	5. Love or Friends

_It was the best night he'd ever had. They'd stayed up talking about their time apart. Talking about things that needed to be talked about. Paris. Berlin. Somalia. Jeanne. Michael. Ray. EJ. Wendy. Jenny. When she was reassigned back to Mossad. When he was Agent Afloat. When Gibbs "retired". And most recently Israel. They shared their feelings. Their Deepest desires. They kissed. A lot. But before it could go any further Ziva said something heart breaking. Something that would ruin his life forever: "I'm sorry Tony, I can't. I'm married. To Adam." Then she left. I called out. Begged for her to stay. "Ziva don't go! Stay here with me!" I got no response. She was gone. And with that I gave up. My heart, my life, my soul mate had gone. With that I picked up the knife daring it to stop me. But then Gibbs glared at me. I dropped the knife. He gave me a head slap…_

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><p>I woke with a start drenched with sweat. And as the tears trickled down my face: I began to cry…<p>

I couldn't go in. How could I? But then what if he needed me to? It was just a nightmare after all wasn't it? He was dreaming. He'd seen me today and thought I'd leave again. He knew I'd have to leave again. The desperation in his voice hurt. Almost like he…no he couldn't. I haven't seen him for two years. I know he did then, but he couldn't any more could he? Maybe I should tell him. Tell him the truth. That way he wouldn't be scared anymore. But, what if he couldn't face it? What if the truth was more than he could handle? I couldn't hurt him. But I knew the longer I left it the more it would hurt. I couldn't go in. I couldn't wake him up. I couldn't tell him yet… So I turned to go back to my room and spend the night alone.

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><p>Lying down on my bed I stared at the ceiling. I couldn't go back to sleep. How could I? He was in the room next door. He called out for <em>me <em>in his sleep. What did it mean? _"Ziva don't go! Stay here with me!" _ I wasn't going. Quite the contrary, I had just got here I and I had no intention of leaving till he told me to go. _He probably will after you tell him. _ He trusts me more than that right. He wouldn't leave just because of that. Would he?

My internal monologue was interrupted by a sudden sniffle in his room. Tony was crying? Without a thought I got up and knocked on his door.

"Tony, are you OK?"

"Ziva?" He sounded surprised. "Is that you?" His voice sounded small in the darkness of night.

"Yes Tony, It's me" Who else would it be? The door opened and I found myself in a strong embrace.

"Zee-vah" he breathed. "Ziva. Ziva. Ziva. Ziva. I…I…I lo… I love you. Don't ever leave me." I tensed and he suddenly realised what he said. "Oh sorry. I uhh… I'll help you get your stuff together. You probably have-"

"Tony."

"-A boyfriend back –"

"Tony!"

"-home in Israel. Maybe even a-"

"TONY!" He stopped talking, surprised by Ziva's sudden outburst. "There is no-one. No-one but you have filled my thoughts since you left."

"Really?"

"Yes, Tony. You are the only one I have ever had thoughts about since I walked in on you having Phone sex"

"It wasn't my knee, you know?"

"I know. I also know you did not kill Michael on purpose. I know you did not kill him out of jealousy, although I am sure that was a bonus."

"It was, but it hurt me that it hurt you and sent you to Somalia and for that I am sorry."

"Tony, remember: Somalia was not your fault. I did not and do not blame you. I cannot. You have been and always will be the only one I trust. I doubted that after you killed Michael and I paid the price."

"Ziva…"

"No, Tony. It is not your place to apologise. I cared for Michael, but he betrayed me just like every man I have ever known… Except you. And for that I will be eternally grateful."

"Ziva. I know it is not my place to ask, but what happened to you in Somalia?"

"Things Tony that I do not want to ever relieve or give you the reality to imagine."

"Sometimes Ziva, not knowing is worse than knowing…"

"I know Tony, but please do not ask me to tell you. I may… when I am ready and if I know it will not change how you see me"

"It could never you Ziva. I love you even after all we have been through, good and bad"

"Paris"

"Jenny"

"Jeanne, EJ. Wendy…"

"Ray. Did you ever love him?"

"I do not think so. I think I loved the thought of the permanence he could give- was offering. But I never loved _Him_. Not like I love you. What about you did you ever love Jeanne, EJ?"

"EJ? No. I used her to hide my feelings for you while you were with Ray. Jeanne, I thought so but really… I think I just broke rule 10. I got in too deep and found it hard to find my way back out. But you, Ziva, pulled me out. That day, when I threw the letter in the fire, it was the thought of what I could have with you which pulled me out. Helped me climb out the hole I had dug."

"Wendy?"

"Once. But I guess I grew up after she left me, and seeing her again just proved that I had moved on. I had matured and loved someone else."

"Tony, we need to talk?"

"About?"

"Everything…"

"What do you mean?"

"Tony we need to talk about everything that has happened between us, since we met, when you left me in Israel. " Tony tensed.

"So like Adam?"

"What about him?"

"You've spent two years in Israel with him. He likes you. You slept with him. I thought something would have happened. After all it is only natural- "

"Tony."

"I mean you're beautiful and everything . He knows that. I would have thought..."

"Tony!" I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I had to say. "It could not have happened for two reasons... The first: I only have eyes for you. I said that before." Tony relaxed a bit but still look haunted, likely from the guilty expression on my face.

"And the second?"

"Tony. Adam is dead."

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><p><strong><em>AN: Please Review. Do you guys like longer chapters or is this length alright? What do you think of me killing Adam? What do you think happened? Why does Ziva look guilty? <em><strong>I hope you liked this chapter. And finally another huge thanks to Athenalarissa for being a great help, especially with giving me some ideas on this chapter,I would not have had on my own.<strong>__**


	6. Adam

_***Last time in Moving Forward: ***_

_"So like Adam?"_

_"What about him?"_

_"You've spent two years in Israel with him. He likes you. You slept with him. I thought something would have happened. After all it is only natural-"_

_"Tony."_

_"I mean you're beautiful and everything. He knows that. I would have thought..."_

_"Tony!" I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I had to say. "It could not have happened for two reasons... The first: I only have eyes for you. I said that before." Tony relaxed a bit but still looked haunted, likely from the guilty expression on my face._

_"And the second?"_

_"Tony. Adam is dead."_

_***And now the next chapter***_

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><p>"Dead? How?"<p>

I couldn't answer him. How could I? I couldn't face what he'd think of me. How his opinion of me would change. _My Ninja. Be careful, handle with care, contents priceless. It's not just me that I'm worrying about hurting, Ziva._ _Sweetcheeks. My lovely crazy Israeli. _I couldn't lose that. That Tony had matured, almost beyond recognition: he wasn't hiding behind jokes, or drink, he was being honest about his thoughts, his emotions everything; I couldn't lose this new Tony either, this time probably for good – we couldn't keep finding each other. Reality doesn't happen like that. You only have so many chances before they ran out, and something told me this was our last one. But I knew I owed him the courtesy of the truth: technically I had brought it up and since he was being honest, I had to be. Did I not?

"Well, it is a long story"

"Start wherever you want Zi, I'd listen till the end of the world as long as it is you talking to me."

"Well… It started a couple of days after you left… No, Tony, do not say it, you had to leave. I needed you to leave. Or I thought I did… As I was saying, it started a couple of days after you left…"

I saw Tony settle, I suppose like me he knew the story would be long, so I decided to lie back also, into his arms…

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><p><em>I was packing my bags, I had to move. I had to change my location. I was too exposed in that house. There were too many memories; good and bad. They were overwhelming, and if I were to move on it was not the place to be, I did not need memories; I needed to make a fresh start. Forget the good and bad. Suddenly, there was a knock on my door, innocuous enough but I recognised it at once. It was his knock, the one only he used during childhood, so I knew it was him. He used it when we younger so that I would not open the door to strangers. My only guess is that is why he was using it now, he hasn't used in a long time. In a way I suppose he had protected me for as long as I could remember and in an ironic twist, died protecting me too.<em>

_So I opened the door. He stepped inside. Slammed the door shut and dragged me into the storm cellar only he and I knew about from childhood; I do not think even Eli knew about it, or if he did he never looked for me there, probably assuming I did not know about it, like I assumed he did not. I was similar to Eli in that regard. I knew and know things I should not and others do not, as did he; we were good at keeping secrets and I presume I knew Gibbs' rule to an extent before having been taught it. He sat me down in the cellar and looked at me in the eyes and said:_

_ "Ziva, you have to go. You have to hide. He is after you. He has FOUND you. He will be here in a matter of minutes not hours. You are lucky I got here first. You must go. Now. But first I have to tell you one thing. I may not see you again and if that is the case I must tell you how I feel. I Love you, Ziva and I know you love me too, but not in the same way. You love me as a friend. I saw the way Tony looked at you. How you looked at him. I know you sent him a way but he will be back. Do not let him get away, like I let you. I love you and will always follow you. Protect you. I hope we remain friends but it may be dangerous to contact me. But please try. I will try also."_

_He got up. Helped me up, and left. Leaving me to think about what he said although I could not. I had to go. So I fled…_

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><p><em>A few weeks later I found myself in Paris. In that hotel, from that mission. The memories were unavoidable. That was the night our relationship began to heal, but stronger than before, like a muscle that gets damaged only to strengthen to protect itself from damage in the same way as before. I stayed there a few days before moving on and the day of my departure I found a bag of fortune cookies in my room, strangely, all but one were lacking the fortune so I knew the fortune meant something:<em>

**_"Our Paths may be close but they never quite meet…"_**

_It was from him. Yet I thought it was about you. And him. And I. All our paths are close but never cross. I later heard you had been in Paris at the same time, picking up another witness. I am glad I did not see you. If I had, I do not think I could have left. Not again. But I would have had to, and it would have killed me._

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><p><em>Months past. My birthday. Yours. The rest of the teams'. Christmas. Before I knew it a year had past and all I could think about was you. On your birthday I went to DC, I had to see you, but didn't let you see me. I think Gibbs saw me. Or his gut knew I was there. But I know he did not say anything. Either way on my flight to Australia – I went there next – I was given a note:<em>

**_"Next time you can stay at mine. I won't tell. I know you can't face us. The room in the back will be made up: Sheets and all. I never go in there. It was Kelly's room. Too many memories. You are my daughter also. It is now your room too: if you want it."_**

_I returned after that for each birthday. On his I left a card, which was gone the next time I came - my birthday - in its place was a card for me, with a photo of the team. I do not know where he got it or how he knew when I came he just did but he respected that I did not want to talk. That was nice._

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><p><em>During Easter, I was in Mexico, and it was then I got the next note in an Easter egg (It was almost like Adam had kidnapped Abby and coerced her into giving him ideas – it was a good thought and a nice reminder of home.). <em>

_"**My number is in this egg, look hard enough and you shall find. It is secure as is the new phone you will find under your seat in the plane"**_

_Luckily, I had not eaten the egg. I found the number, and that night Adam and I talked. I said I missed you and the team. He told me the mission to get Parsa was about to be over. Parsa was close to being captured. I was relieved. What I didn't know, what Adam didn't tell me was I was bait._

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><p><em>I returned to Israel after Mexico, certain that the threat of Parsa was no longer a problem. But ultimately I had done what I wanted: I had steered clear of the violence that had dominated my life for as long as I could remember; and I travelled the world without the burden of a mission hanging over me. Israel was as close to home I could get; DC was now my home. Wherever you are, is my home; I know that now, I think part of me knew it then. I bought an apartment a few blocks away from Nettie's and stayed there and considered myself safe, or the safest I could be in Israel, until Adam called. That call was to be his last.<em>

_"Ziva, I'm in the café opposite. Run. Parsa is coming, is **here**. Go run."_

_"I cannot. I have nowhere to go."_

_"Just run Ziva" There was a gunshot. Then, an onslaught of sounds: the sounds of a fight. _

_"Help me Ziva! Please!" He sounded desperate. Yet, I did not even think._

_"I cannot… I am sorry" I could not, would not lose all the progress I had made and run into a fight. Suddenly I heard a muted shot in the background; I took off at a run._

_"Ziva" Adam breathed. He was clearly short of breath. I knew he must be dying. "Tony is good for you. He loves you and I know you love him... Don't waste good"_

_Suddenly the line went dead. I escaped through a door I had found concealed when buying the apartment – a secret escape. I ran away from the apartment block. Away from the only phone I had. Glancing back I saw a figure on the ground – Adam - and all I could think was that this was my fault… If I had gone to help him; if I had not returned to Israel; if I had been anyone else: Adam would not be dead._

_"Don't waste Good". What did he mean? Was he quoting Gibbs? What good am I wasting? Suddenly I heard a shout. "She's over there!" I stopped thinking. I ran. I ran to escape. Ran to the one place I knew was safe. Where I knew he couldn't find me. But this wasn't the only place like it. I ran to my Aunt Nettie's._

In my dreams I ran into Tony's arms... but I wouldn't tell him that.

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><p>Tony's strong arms sliding around me, pulling me closer brought me back to reality – away from the memories that were consuming me. Away from the guilt I felt for not going back to help. The guilt for not running head first into danger and fighting for what I believed in like I had always done. The guilt for not helping Adam.<p>

"I…I…It's my fault he is dead, Tony. How could you ever love me knowing that? I may not have pulled the Trigger, but I killed him. He died protecting me"

"Zi, this is not your fault. You should not carry the burden of Adam's death alone, if at all. He died doing what he believed in and he was right: I do love you and you know that right. Nothing could stop me from loving you."

"Tony, you should go. You are too kind. You do not deserve someone like me. I am damaged goods. I am not a good person." I made a move to get up, he pulled me back down. I struggled but eventually resigned myself to my fate.

"Ziva" He breathed "It is not your actions that define you as a good person, it is your heart. The fact that you feel you should have gone back; even knowing you would have died proves that. You are only human. You have a fight or flight instinct and for once your flight instinct won out and I know it's selfish but I am glad: I need you Ziva. It's not a choice for me anymore. It stopped being a choice a long time ago."

I relaxed but a question hovered on my tongue, waiting to be answered. I couldn't not ask it. It was too important and the time felt right.

"Tony - if you need me so much - why did you leave me in Israel?"

"I didn't want to. I almost picked you up and dragged you on the plane with me. But I knew you had to do it alone, in Israel, and if I didn't respect that you'd never forgive me. I needed to know there was a chance you'd come back, instead of you there and unable to forgive me completely for not respecting your wishes. That was a possibility I could not have dealt with. If I had let you down, didn't respect your trust, the consequences would have been unbearable." He paused as if contemplating how to say or whether to say what he wanted to, so I waited; He chose to tell me, his voice barely above a whisper, scared of how I would react. "I couldn't treat you like all the other men in your past." I thought about how to respond to that. It was possibly the kindest thing anyone had ever said to me and ever would say. I felt Tony squeeze my hand, giving me the strength to speak.

"Thank you," I could hear myself choking up; the tears threatening to appear, threatening to fall. But I knew I had to resist, for else Tony would not listen to what else I had to say, he would instead feel guilty for having made me cry. "You knew I needed to be alone even if it was what neither of us wanted. But I'm glad you asked me to come now. The whole time I was travelling and running, I felt like I was missing something. Missing a part of myself. Now I know the thing that was missing was: you. I am whole again."

"As am I Ziva. As am I" He sounded content. Relaxed. Almost as if it was the first time he had felt that way in a while. It hurt to think I had caused that pain.

I relaxed into his arms and laid my head on his chest. Eventually, his breathing softened, showing that he was asleep. Glancing at the clock, which told me we had talked the night away, I gave into the power of the sleep that wanted to take me in. It was the best sleep I had ever had.

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><p>I awoke to the smell of bacon drifting into the room, yet Ziva's absence from my arms made me wonder if last night was a dream. We stayed up all night talking. Yet all we really talked about was insignificant in comparison to what we needed to talk about. We still needed to talk about many things and I was determined to talk about them before I had to return to DC. Also, Ziva was hiding something. Something big. She was scared whatever it was would change what I thought about her. Part of her burden had been lifted last night but there was still something there. And I needed to find it out. Suddenly,I heard footsteps coming down the hall, but they did not stop outside her room. So I shut my eyes, hoping that Ziva would not notice the act.<p>

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><p>I awoke after another 2 or 3 hours of sleep, and gently maneuvered my way out of Tony's arms so I could get showered and dressed before he got up. He stirred a little but went back to sleep. I showered and dressed and began cooking bacon, aware that Tony would soon awaken from his slumber and wonder where I was. Knowing that could be anytime soon, I made my way back to his room to wake him up.<p>

Standing at the threshold of his door I admired how peaceful he looked when he slept. Unfortunately his eyes were closed; the only bad thing about the sight – I loved the green intensity of his eyes. He seemed relaxed and at that moment I knew I was going to tell him. I had to. We had to talk about everything that happened between us; whether he wanted to or not. I suppose part of me knew he was awake already, because when he murmured "Morning" I was not surprised, and responded with "Breakfast is ready if you want some. I came to wake you up."

Slowly, I saw him make a move to get up and I took that as my cue to leave. I went back to the kitchen to put the breakfast on plates and was doing so when two arms slid around my waist and I felt his lips briefly, and hesitantly, touching my neck before he took the plates to the table.

"You did not have to do that you know." He had clearly kissed me as a distraction to be a man. It was touching. No-one had ever done something like that for me before.

"I know, but I wanted to" He smiled. I loved his smile, almost as much as I loved him. We ate in companionable silence, each watching the other but looking away embarrassed whenever our eyes met. I don't know when I stopped eating or when he finished. All I know is that now was the time to tell him. The moment was perfect.

"We need to talk"

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><p><em><strong>AN: Thank you to all those who have reviewed. I really appreciate them and take them to heart. I hope you like the chapter, did you guys prefer it longer? Or would you prefer chapters even longer or the same length as before? I have a good idea where I want this to go now, but I want to know: what do you all think Ziva is hiding? From now on I'm going to try to update at least twice a week (no promises). Most chapters will be posted early in the week or at the weekend, but I will post whenever I can :) Review Please :D<strong>_


	7. Talk part 1

**Sorry it took so long to upload this chapter. Life happened. Do I need to say any more? Also I was having a really hard time working out where I wanted to go with this but I know now. And because I feel so bad I will try my absolute hardest to get another chapter up by Thursday and hopefully another over the weekend. They are both half written by hand so need to be transferred over but I have not forgotten about this story. **

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><p>"<em>I know, I wanted to" He smiled. I loved his smile, almost as much as I loved him. We ate in companionable silence, each watching the other but looking away embarrassed whenever our eyes met. I don't know when I stopped eating or when he finished. All I know is that now was the time to tell him. The moment was perfect.<em>

"_We need to talk"_

"We need to talk"

Their voices in perfect harmony, spoke with confidence yet uncertainty at how the other would react. Their voices providing an impromptu melody, tied together in a chord that need never end for its beauty was like a symphony.

Tony's eyes shot up to meet Ziva's, and each debated who should speak first. Neither could find the right words to explain their opinion despite the knowledge of the agreement they shared. As usual, due to his inability to remain silent except at times it is most appropriate, it was Tony who spoke first.

"I guess we agree: we need to talk and since it is I who got us here, I think it is time for you to tell me something. Why didn't you call?"

"I couldn't. I knew that if I spoke to you. If I heard your voice I wouldn't have been able to hold it together." Ziva paused, thinking but Tony knew she was not finished so gave her time to decide how to phrase what she wanted, needed, to say. "I did not know what to say. I knew I needed to phone you to let you know I was alright but I was scared. Scared that if I phoned you could be angry…"

"…I could never be angry with you Ziva. My heart would not allow it. Have you not learnt that yet? I always come back to you. Always will. You are my heart: Without you I cannot live, I can only survive, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Even after fights that most people wouldn't be able to make up after, I came back to you as not only a friend, but a best friend. Or more. When it comes to you angry is not in my vocabulary. Mad, maybe, but never angry"

"I know that Tony. To be honest I think deep down I always knew that. I think that maybe it wasn't fear about you being angry that held me back. Not really. It was the fear that you had moved on, that I would ruin your life again, as usual and take you away from someone who was not damaged, was not a murderer. Was not me"

Tony sucked in a breath. And in the next breath he whispered "Ziva. Ziva you will never be damaged. Never be a murderer. Everything you have done was for the greater good and under orders from those who run whichever country you served. I could never fault you for that. Anyone who faulted you for that would be mad."

Ziva sighed resigning herself to what she thought she must do. "Can I show you something? If after I show it to you, you can still say that I am not damaged can I ever believe you."

Tony shook his head in the affirmative and Ziva stood up to give herself some space. Slowly she began to lift her shirt…

"Ziva you know I saw I ever needed to see of you in Israel. And if you do what I think you're going to do I may not be able to control myself"

"You will Tony. But you did not see all of me. All you needed to see. Sometimes things remain hidden except to those who know what is there." Ziva continued to remove her shirt and then began to rub her stomach over and over till Tony was sure she would rub herself raw. Suddenly a mark began to show and as Ziva rubbed it gradually became clearer and clearer until there was no doubt as to what was there. There on Ziva's stomach were three groups of scars, each a set of Initials. ED, SU and what appeared to be Mk. Pointing at each in turn Ziva began with to explain what appeared to be self-explanatory and horrified Tony at the same time.

"ED: Eli David. This scar was given to me by one of is 'loyal' followers, who once looked after me, as a mockery of who I was and who I was destined to become. Later, once I became older it symbolised my tormentor forced me to do everything I did not want to do. But what I did not know was that much worse could happen and orders that I despised was not the worst that could have happened. SU. Saleem Ulman. You know the story to that. I told you before, in Israel. I do not want to have to tell you again. It will haunt me forever. And finally: MDZ. Mossad. Kidon. Ziva. The people and unit I worked for. This scar was for Identification should they ever need it. It is cut deeper than could ever heal. Etched into my bones. And also represents the third set of tormentors who had to have me obey them in all ways imaginable as it was the only way for them to learn my weaknesses." Ziva paused, but Tony knew better than to speak. At least for the moment. It wasn't long before Ziva spoke again and though she tried to hide it, Tony could see that she was fighting tears. "Yet you say I am not damaged. I could not be more damaged and I know I am not worthy of your love, let alone your trust. Now I have shown you all I have to show I know you cannot love me still. I am not beautiful. I am not whole. I am a monster who has been damaged so many times I can never be whole again." With that she ran into her room and slammed the door shut behind her.

Without hesitation Tony got up and followed. Glad he had not got a place with a lock on the doors for the second time he opened the door to see Ziva, his fearless ninja in tears on her bed throwing her clothes into her suitcase. Stunned, he opened his mouth to speak; but Ziva beat him to it.

"You do not have to say anything Tony. You do not have to say something you do not mean to protect my feelings. Once I have finished packing I will go and you can forget the damaged girl you thought you loved." Wordlessly Tony say on the bed next to Ziva he then began to unpack Ziva's suitcase as she packed it allowing his actions to speak louder and be heard cleared than anything he could ever have said to her. Eventually Ziva looked up at Tony inquisitively, questions burning in her mind but only love stared back at her through the green eyes she loved so much.

Eventually, Tony got up and pulled Ziva up into him and whispered, "You are not damaged. Nobody is damaged by things that aren't their fault. Remember that. It hurts me to hear you try to convince me that you are not good enough for me. All that did was make me love you even more. You showed me that the strength I thought you had it nothing to which you actually possess and if either of us doesn't deserve the other it is me you. I will spend my whole life trying to be worthy of you but watching you pack was the hardest thing I could ever watch. And I never want to see it again, unless I am packing at the same time and we are going together. Wherever you go, I go. As long as you want me. And even then letting go will be the hardest thing I could ever be asked to do." Slowly Tony leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Now, my strong ninja, What do you want for Lunch. Your wish is my command." And for what felt like the first time in an eternity Ziva laughed and all Tony could do was grin at the beauty of the sound.

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><p><strong>What did you think? Reviews please. And also since I don't understand the rating system if at any time you think I need to change the rating tell me with the suggestion for what you think it should be. I probably will change it if you tell me but eventually I may have to change it anyway.<strong>


	8. Leaving

**A/N: Okay, I've decide to stop these self imposed next update times: I always ignore them because I can never work out how to write the next chapter. I guess I'm becoming a monthly updater. Here's to say I haven't forgotten the story and I WILL UPDATE AT SOME POINT just no promises when. Sorry for the late update, but I hope you like it.**

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><p><em>Slowly Tony lent down and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Now, my strong ninja, what do you want for Lunch. Your wish is my command." And for what felt like the first time in an eternity Ziva laughed and all Tony could do was grin at the beauty of the sound.<em>

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><p>The afternoon that followed was perfect. Ziva felt liberated by the knowledge that Tony knew her deepest secret and overwhelmed that he loved her despite this. She was however perplexed by his saying that she was not damaged – how could anyone who had been through what she had not be damaged? Tony in comparison was hurt not least because she thought that she was damaged but also that she had so little faith in him: she thought he's leave merely due to her history, her past that made her who she is and that she wouldn't trust him with what else she was hiding such as why she was in DC that day.<p>

After walking through the beautiful Kentish countryside, along as many trails as they could find, Tony and Ziva went home, still deep in silent thought but remaining comforted by the others presence and the silence was not as uncomfortable as one would assume, especially when considering what each was thinking about. In fact the silence was beyond comfortable and each fell into a state of security.

Dinner was a homemade pasta dish that had been passed down through Tony's family for generations and Ziva was honoured that he had shared it with her. It was delicious and as they ate, they talked about the inconsequential stuff, the things that no one knows yet is meaningless, merely informs you about what lies behind your companion's façade. Later, with the aroma of the dinner still floating through the air they watched movie after movie until Ziva fell asleep in Tony's arms, her head resting on his chest and Tony watched her until he too fell into a deep contented slumber.

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><p>The next morning Ziva awoke to the sound of draws opening and closing, until a suitcase could be heard being zipped up. At the sound of the door to Tony's room being opened Ziva shut her eyes and steadied her breathing, to try and fool Tony into thinking that she was asleep, as he walked through to the front door and opened it.<p>

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><p>Carefully placing his suitcase outside the door, Tony went back inside and grabbed his keys off the counter, sparing a fleeting glance at the beauty which lay on the couch. Tony grinned. He knew Ziva was awake and he knew what she would do, so taking her phone instead of his he proceeded out the door to the car, which now contained his suitcase and he drove away.<p>

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><p>Once the sound of the car could no longer be heard Ziva got up and ran into his room, hoping to find a reason to doubt her judgement of what had just happened. <em>Why did he leave? What did I do wrong? Did he realise that I am broken and that he had made a mistake? <em> Now crying confused and hurt tears, Ziva walked back into the lounge and through to the kitchen looking or even hoping for a note. There was none. So deciding she should also leave she went into her room to pack.

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><p>Walking through the supermarket, Tony wondered if he had done the right thing, handled it in the right way. He was just about to phone his phone to explain to Ziva when the aisle containing the world foods caught his eye. Despite the knowledge that Ziva could not have left yet for it would take at least an hour for her to have called a cab and packed, despite her Mossad training, he saw Ziva looking at the small section containing Israeli food and he couldn't help but remember the last time he saw the sight.<p>

_**Flashback**_

_It had been a hard year without Ziva. They had caught Parsa and Tony had hoped that word would reach her and she would come back. He had sent her hundreds of messages, as had Abby, McGee and he was sure Gibbs likely had too. Yet Ziva had not returned or even responded to any of their calls. _

_Tony was becoming more and more like a robot, like he had after hearing of her death when she had stayed in Israel after that fateful summer, after his deepest regret: hurting her. He was finally beginning to lose hope, but unable to lose his love and move on. He didn't think he would ever be able to. _

_Most nights Tony either visited Gibbs where they worked in silence on yet another boat or he moped around his apartment, his love for his movies long forgotten unlike his last day with her._

_McGee and Abby had begun to make a habit of coming round every Saturday or Sunday or both to ensure he did not mope around all day. Most weeks they took him food shopping but this week they had told him it was time for him to start moving on. McGee dropped him off at the supermarket and Abby was going to pick him up (he knew this was so she could check he had brought everything – she didn't trust McGee to do that). _

_Walking round the corner into the foreign foods aisle, to pick up his favourite pasta, Tony saw her. He stopped. Turned around and walked to the next aisle. He left his trolley there and walked back to the aisle only to see her looking at all the pasta he needed to pick up. He knew he had two options. The one where he confronted her or the other harder option: he had to pretend he didn't see her and walk away, let her see him when she wanted to, when she was ready. Knowing he would rather not talk to her than having her hate him he walked away. Worried he had made the biggest mistake of his life…_

Walking past the aisle to the checkout because he had what he needed. He didn't need much. He wasn't staying any longer anyway. He paid and got back in the car and drove back the way he had come.

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><p>Zipping up her suitcase full of regret, Ziva took one last glance around the room to ensure she hadn't forgotten anything and walked out. Just as she was about to walk out the door she remembered it. She needed her phone. She was going to walk but still needed her phone; even if she threw it out at the next public place she found. Walking back into the cottage she spied his phone on the counter next to a set of keys. He must have taken her phone by mistake. She didn't know what to do. Should she take his phone? Or go without?<p>

Picking up the phone she made her decision on the compromise, opened his phone and phoned the contact she knew would listen no matter what. When he picked up Ziva opened her mouth to speak but before any words could come out he spoke.

"DiN…Tony; I gave you this week off. Don't ask for more time, unless you have told her. If she didn't come although I told you she would you'd better get your backside on the next plane to DC so we can talk. And so I can stop you doing something you will regret."

"Tell who what Gibbs?"

"Ziver? Is that you?"

"Tell me what?" Ziva repeated desperately this time, replacing the "who" with a "me" due to his surprised response that implied he had given something away he hadn't meant to. In her desperation in trying to get a response however she didn't hear the Tony come in behind her.

"That I love you Ziva."_ And I need you to come home with me. And if you come I have something to ask you whilst at our next location. _ Surprised, mainly because he was behind her instead of his words Ziva dropped the phone.

"Where did you go Tony? I thought you'd left me."

"I could never leave you. And the other part of the answer is you will find out, but I have to tell you this: I have a flight booked to go to Spain that departs later today. I really want you to come to but this is where you choose: I won't pressure you" _I can't pressure you else you'll back off like you always do. But somehow I think I know you well enough. I bought you a ticket just in case. I hope I'm right…_

Distressed because she was sure he knew her well enough to know that she would want to come and that he didn't tell her why he left: not really Ziva responded, albeit cautiously. "Of course I want to come Tony."

"Good. Told you so, DiNozzo. Expect you back by Monday though." Gibbs voice could only just be heard over the phone before the sound of him hanging up followed quickly after. Tony chuckled. Gibbs knew everything but he should have expected that. Ziva, once the shock wore off, chuckled as well but then remembered something Gibbs had said. She stopped laughing and slowly sat onto the couch.

"Hey, Zi, what's up?" Tony asks noticing her sudden change in mood.

"I guess I thought this week would last forever: I only got the ticket to come here. So I did not know when it would end"

"I didn't know what to send as a return ticket, if you came I knew you'd see me and I could give it to you then. If not, you wouldn't need it. But let's go Sweetcheeks: we've got a flight to catch"

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><p><strong>AN: Reviews please... I want to improve as much as possible. I'm only 16 so have much to learn please tell me any improvements you can :-) No promises on when I next update have GCSE's in May & June but after that I will try to update more regularly and a bit closer together ;-)**


	9. Travelling

_**A/N: HAPPY EASTER ALL! I wasn't going to update today but it's raining here in England and I needed something to do other than revise because that gets depressing when the weather is just as depressing. So anyway on with the next chapter.**_

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><p><strong><span>Last time on Moving Forward.:<span>**

"Good. Told you so, DiNozzo. Expect you back by Monday though." Gibbs voice could only just be heard over the phone before the sound of him hanging up followed quickly after. Tony chuckled. Gibbs knew everything but he should have expected that. Ziva, once the shock wore off, chuckled as well but then remembered something Gibbs had said. She stopped laughing and slowly sat onto the couch.

"Hey, Zi, what's up?" Tony asks noticing her sudden change in mood.

"I guess I thought this week would last forever: I only got the ticket to come here. So I did not know when it would end"

"I didn't know what to send as a return ticket, if you came I knew you'd see me and I could give it to you then. If not, you wouldn't need it. But let's go Sweetcheeks: we've got a flight to catch"

**And now the next chapter:**

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><p><em>Walking into Gibbs' house Ziva was confident: she wanted to do this. She needed to. But as she approached the ever present noise of boat-building, as it got louder, doubts began to cloud her mind. What if he didn't want to see her? What if he hadn't understood like he had said he did on the phone? A year had passed, would he have forgiven her? Yet, knowing it was now or never because this was her only chance to move on Ziva went in and stood at the top of the stairs, feeling as though she needed an invite to come any further.<em>

_Gibbs continued sanding: he either had not acknowledged her presence or was unaware of it, but for some reason Ziva doubted it was the latter. Pausing for a drink or what look suspiciously unlike his usual bourbon, Gibbs looked up and merely picked up a second 'glass' and filled it with the substance. Yet his surprise, quickly hidden, did not go unnoticed by the former Mossad officer and former (though hopefully not forever Gibbs thought, as rule 5 echoed through his brain) NCIS agent. Then he placed a piece of sanding paper by its side and got back to work. This was the unspoken invite Ziva had been waiting for, so she slowly wandered down the stairs picked up the sanding paper and got to work; sanding with the grain. They worked like this in silence for a few minutes before Gibbs spoke up._

"_You didn't come here to help me build a boat, so what is it?"_

"_I…I needed to see everyone. Explain myself. In person. But I do not know where to start." Ziva paused, debating how she should phrase what she wanted to say. "I thought that maybe my…my…. I thought maybe you would be a good place to start. You could tell me whether I would be received positively or whether I should just go."_

_Gibbs paused for a moment. _

"_You don't need to explain yourself, Ziver." Gibbs acknowledged just who he was talking to for the first time and Ziva noticed his hesitation in how to sound her name. "We all understand."_

"_But how can you Gibbs? I went off leaving Tony with a message and you with a short phone call to say I would not come back because 'I needed to find myself'"_

"_That was enough. Ziva, we understand you have issues with your past, how you were raised. We accepted them. And we don't think they make you any less of a person. In fact they make you who you are. But we also accept that it's not really our acceptance that matters. To be honest we just want to know you're okay."_

_Ziva did not know how to respond but lent into the hug offered, grateful for the comfort._

"_How is he Gibbs? How is he really?" Ziva asked, hesitating only because she didn't know what she wanted to hear. Had he moved on, or was he unable to and drowning his sorrows in drink._

_Gibbs fortunately needed no hint as to who he was, it was obvious, and Ziva did not say it knowing it just might be the…was it string? That broke the camel's back. It wasn't until after she finished the idiom until she heard his voice echo through her head, mocking her like always: 'It's __Needle,__ Ziva. The __Needle__ that broke the camel's back.' _

"_He's okay. He's different, but ok. He's changing as well Ziva. Changing for when you come home. He needs you Ziva. He's changing everything for you. So it's perfect when you come home"_

_Ziva shuddered. Remembering the aftermath of Jenny's death spoke up again, realising Gibbs never really answered her question._

"_Is he drinking? Sleeping okay?_

"_At first no to both. But now it's a no to the former and yes to the latter – I think. He doesn't talk about it. All I know is he won't touch a drink: he doesn't want to have his memories tainted and I think part of him wants to make sure he's definitely sober for when you return and one drink would lead to him never stopping."_

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><p>"Ziva!" Ziva looked up. Startled by the volume, as well as the force with which her name was said. "I've been trying to get you out of your head for a while. We're at the airport. You coming?" Ziva nodded in the affirmative and together, Tony and Ziva headed for the check-in.<p>

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><p>Luckily for them, Tony and Ziva had very little luggage between them: Tony not needing that many clothes as he knew where they were going and for how long, Ziva because her Mossad training had never really left; for this reason they went through check-in quicker than most. Security was surprisingly quick; Tony was surprised to find Ziva only had a couple of paper-clips on her person instead of her usual back-up to her back-up gun and knife. Answering the question that shone in his eyes Ziva had merely said, "I have no need for them. And they reflect the lifestyle I am trying to forget. Tony of course had his knife and his gun confiscated, but when he showed the burly security man his badge they were quickly returned to their rightful owner, with only a shake of the head, which he knew was because most people found the presence of both a gun and knife unnecessary.<p>

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><p>Once on the plane Ziva, and Tony to her surprise, grabbed their books and began to read. Tony merely shrugging in answer to Ziva's question but the answer blazed through him like a light and he knew why he couldn't answer. <em>I don't like watching movies without you any more, Zi, I try but with no-one to annoy them with or watch them with I can't enjoy them.<em>

As soon as the light allowing movement flicked off, Tony undid his seat belt and looked at Ziva noticing for the first time that she had not actually turned the page but was instead staring out of the window, deep in thought, and all he could think was how beautiful and innocent she looked.

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><p><em>After leaving Gibbs that night, with a firm hug and him telling her with no uncertainty: "My door is always open." And "There's a bed if you ever need it." Ziva went to Ducky's. Other than the way it was said, no difference in the message could be found and not long late Ziva found herself in the supermarket looking at the pasta she knew Tony liked, debating whether to buy some for him or not. Making up her mind Ziva took the pasta and left. <em>

_Standing outside the door, Ziva debated whether this would be the hardest person to talk to and whether she should have left it for last. Knowing that she shouldn't shy away from her best friend, Ziva knocked and the door opened revealing a Goth like figure Ziva no-one could ever forget._

"_ZIVA!" Abby crushed Ziva in a bone crushing hug pulling her inside._

"_Abs…Can't breathe" Abby let go and looked at Ziva before jumping into her usual rapid monologue . _

"_Is that really you? You're back? We have so much to talk about. How are you? Where have you been? What have you been doing? Have you been to see Tony? Of course you have what did he say? Is he better? I mean his been fine since you left. More amicable. More normal. Eating less. More healthily. McGee and I ended up taking him shopping to make sure he eats, and make sure he socialises. He's lost weight. But got fitter. He won't come out to drinks anymore Ziva. We ask him but he won't come. He won't leave his apartment except to go to the gym or NCIS, unless we drag him. But then every few nights he sneaks off. McGee and I tried following him a couple of times but he went off the grid, and always came back to NCIS the next day like he regrets not doing something. But is he back to being Tony? I mean THE TONY. The Tony everyone knows and loves who quotes movies like it's no tomorrow. It was nice and weird at first: his silence I mean. And how understanding he was. Oh I've missed you, everyone's missed you. But Tony seems to have gone to a whole new level of missing you…" Abby trailed off. "You have seen him right?"_

_Ziva tensed. "No. I mean… not yet. It's just… I don't know whether to. What to expect. And everything.."_

"_Well are you back for good? I mean back for good, good? Never leaving again and all that. Wait of course you are you're…" Ziva raised her hand to Abby's mouth the rambling becoming a mumble then slowly trailing off. But once Ziva removed her hand to speak, Abby said one more thing. "Tiva. You're Tiva."_

_Momentarily forgetting what she had meant to say, Ziva questioned Abby on this term: "Tiva? I have never heard this word before."_

"_No, I suppose you haven't. Everyone has NCIS has except you two. You and Tony I mean. Every floor has their own version of how you got together, or should be together, but it's inevitable and Tiva just seem to fit. You know. The 'T' for Tony and I think you can guess where the 'Iva' came from. Yes I suppose there are other variations but Tiva's the one ev-er-y-one knows. But you're coming back to NCIS right. We need you. I love Ellie but she's not cut out for field work like you. Maybe we could keep both of you. She could do her analysing thing going out in the field if we need her to and you can do your Ziva thing. THE Ziva thing. "_

_Ziva cut her off again. "Abby I'm not coming back. The first thing on my list was 'I will let go of the badge.' And no I haven't seen Tony. And I don't know if I'm back for good. I still have lots of amends to make. And I might be able to make them in DC. I just don't know. Not yet. I needed to see everyone first. Before I make up my mind."_

"_Well whatever you choose I will support you 100 percent, just don't leave without telling me again and if you do make sure you stay in touch, please. I like to know what you're doing. You are my best friend after all. I mean Timmy and I are close but we're friends in a different way; like you and Tony but your relationship is closer, like inseparably close. "_

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><p>Despite Ziva's lack of movement, Tony decided to let her think: If thinking was what she needed to do so that she was ready to come back to DC, he'd let her think. So putting his book aside Tony shut his eyes and leant back, hoping to catch a few hours of shut-eye so that he was alert and able to drive once they arrived in Spain.<p>

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><p><em>After leaving the supermarket, Tony decided what he had seen had to be an illusion. Ziva was still in Israel or wherever on the next stage of her soul finding mission. However, he wasn't sure he had convinced himself entirely though: she could be here –but why hadn't she come to see him? <em>

_The week past and although he saw glimpses of what could be Ziva in various places, everywhere he used to go, they used to go. Tony firmly believed what he had convinced himself. Or he convinced himself he did. Until McGee came in that Friday morning and asked him, "Has she come to see you yet? You haven't said anything but I need to know if your just not telling us." He had said she like he must know who he was talking about and it hit him. Ziva was in DC, or had been, and had seen everyone, or at least McGee. And when Tony answered "Who?" to make sure he was thinking of the right person and McGee responded with a brief flicker of something and a "oh, nobody. Just wanted to check". Tony knew his hunch had been confirmed. And that night he went to that bar. The one they frequented together, but hid in the shadows, nursing a soft drink. At around 10 Ziva came in looked around and sat down. Where they used to sit together after work. And Tony couldn't tell if it was disappointment or relief that she was trying to hide._

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><p><strong>(AN: I don't like this inter chapter notes but as there are no line breaks ever. I thought I'd tell you this next bit is Ziva not Tony like the last flashback but Ziva was the one before. Sorry I couldn't find a way around the confusing change of perspective...)**

_After visiting Abby, Ziva went to McGee's and knocked. She had expected McGee to be the most understanding. But she proved mistaken._

"_Ziva? What are you doing here?" McGee asked albeit calmly but Ziva could sense the anger behind the shock._

"_I needed to see everyone. To decide whether to stay or move on at least for a while. To see if I was ready." Ziva managed to get out._

"_Well, in that case you should see Tony. Not me. Just don't break his heart OK. And if you're not going to stay for good. Then leave. Whenever you leave Tony is different. It gets worse each time and you need to stop getting his hopes up just to leave again." The McGee's voice softened slightly. "He loves you. And I know you love him. But I just don't think he can take another heart break. Don't go to him unless you're sure and I will make sure no-one tells him you came to speak to us unless he brings it up first." He began to shut the door, and spoke again, "But next time his heart breaks none of us will be so welcoming or forgiving. Nor will he be able to take it. Just think about what I said OK. But if you see him and leave again: Don't ever come back! Because none of us will let you hurt him again."_

Ziva shuddered and looked at Tony who was asleep in the chair next to him. One glance at his sleeping face and he knew what she would say if he asked her to come back. She also knew what she'd do…

Waking Tony once the plane had landed, Ziva and Tony went to the car rental where Tony picked up the car he had reserved and places their suitcases in the back. Opening the passenger's side for Ziva and helping her in like a true gentleman Tony went to the driver's side and thought about how he would ask her.

Ziva on the other hand remembered her last visit in DC.

_Standing outside the door pasta in hand, Ziva raised her hand to knock. She needed to tell someone. She didn't have the guts to tell Gibbs or Ducky. Abby would tell everyone and McGee would tell Abby. Tony was the only one she could trust._

_'__**He needs you Ziva. He's changing everything for you. So it's perfect when you come home'**__ 'He loves you. And I know you love him.'__** 'But Tony seems to have gone to a whole new level of missing you' '**__Well are you back for good? …Never leaving again and all that…' __**'Just don't break his heart ok. And if you're not going to stay for good. Then leave.' **_

_Suddenly Ziva realised she couldn't do it. She couldn't risk what they have for a quick visit. With one last glance at the door she walked away. _

_For the rest of the week Ziva went to all his old hang outs, their hang outs. If she saw him she'd talk to him. That way she wasn't leaving him intentionally. They just happened across each other. Or that's what she told herself. But no such luck. She didn't see him and sneaking in to his apartment before her flight (he was still at NCIS she had checked) Ziva put the pasta away in his pasta cupboard, hiding it among his other pasta's. Hoping he'd think he'd bought it and forgotten about it. Sparing a glance in his bedroom, noting the bigger bed and the lack of alcohol what so eve, Ziva left. _

Ziva was jolted from her thoughts when Tony turned into a gravel driveway and in the distance she saw a cottage. And Ziva was surprised Tony could afford this. In answer to her unasked question, Tony shrugged and simply said, "Alcohol costs more than you think. When you don't drink it the money you save accounts for its self."

Tony and Ziva walked into the cottage, exhausted from the day of travelling, and collapsed on the couch with the local takeout menus in their hands. Ordering their take out Tony and Ziva decided on a film to watch and settled down to watch it, but Tony didn't press play. He had to get something off his chest first.

"Why were you in DC, Ziva? I have to know" Ziva was shocked. He had seen her. But she had been so careful. If she had seen him, she would have spoken to him, or ran she still didn't know.

"I…I had to see someone. Anyone. You. I had things I needed to talk about, things I knew I should not share. But in a way I had to tell someone else it would have consumed me. And Gibbs did always teach us rule 4." Ziva responded cryptically. It was the truth after all; well sort didn't know how to answer that question and to be honest she hadn't expected it: she was sure she had not been seen. "How did you know I was there? I was certain I had stayed under the radar."

"You didn't answer my question, Ziva." Tony replied in lieu of an answer to her question. He had noticed the fact she was hiding something. _He always could read me too well,_ Ziva thought.

"But…"

"No, Ziva. I won't answer your question until you answer mine. With the truth. No half-truths. No lies. No cryptic messages." _But I will say one thing. I knew because I can sense you Ziva. Feel your every move. Every emotion. I know when you are close by, and far away. I can feel you watching me. All because I am Intune with you or try to be because I love you._

"It is a long story, one I need not get into right now but I will. I promise. But I suppose I should tell you that even when I had not seen you for over a year you were always the one I came to for help. And to be my 'one other person' because everyone must once in a while." Tony was surprised by that revelation but also became more curious.

"Tell me Ziva. We have time. We'd have forever if I could give that to you. Please tell me Ziva."

"But Tony…" Ziva protested all the while knowing she would be forced to give in to the look he was giving her coupled with the begging one that was filled with unconcealed love.

"Please Ziva. I have to know." So Ziva told him. Knowing full well what was about to come…

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><p><em><strong>AN: First time I've updated close to another update ages. Please review. No promises on when the next chapter will be up though.**_


	10. What Ziva did

**A/N: ****I needed a distraction today. Revision gets very boring very quickly especially where you've been doing it for ages. Feedback for this chapter much appreciated I'm not sure how I feel about it at the moment but I don't know how to change it really so here it is:****  
><strong>

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><p><em>LAST TIME IN MOVING FORWARD:<em>

_"Why were you in DC, Ziva? I have to know" Ziva was shocked. He had seen her. But she had been so careful. If she had seen him, she would have spoken to him, or ran she still didn't know._

_..._

_"Tell me Ziva. We have time. We'd have forever if I could give that to you. Please tell me Ziva."_

_"But Tony…" Ziva protested all the while knowing she would be forced to give in to the look he was giving her coupled with the begging one that was filled with unconcealed love._

_"Please Ziva. I have to know." So Ziva told him. Knowing full well what was about to come…_

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><p>.<p>

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><p>"I will start at the beginning and I will tell you everything I did whilst away. That way there is nothing between us, BUT I want you to do the same."<p>

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><p>.<strong>FLASHBACK.<strong>

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><p>Ziva stood in silence as she watched the plane take off. Part of her, the part who knew she was not inherently bad, hated herself because at that moment she had allowed Tony to get on the plane without her, once again, telling him exactly how she felt. She had implied it, but telling Tony he was "loved" could not possibly describe or relay the full extent of her feelings. Ironically the only better words she could have possibly used were ones that had last been uttered to her, from Tony who was in a truth-serum haze unable to completely monitor what he said, in a cell deep in the Horn of Africa, a place she'd never thought she'd escape – and never really has or will. <em>"I couldn't live without you, I guess…". <em>

At the time Ziva had assumed he meant that he needed her as a colleague, a partner, as the replacements had not been that great. But before Somalia, before Michael, that was how she'd seen their relationship. Partners. Colleagues. A bit of sexual desire, but that was inevitable: he was relatively good-looking and when being honest with herself, she was not bad herself. But that was a time when Ziva had joked about him being jealous. They had gotten on, were friends, but never had taken it any further. Their disagreements had outweighed the times they had really gotten along, and Ziva could imagine her life without him. Had she left her life would have been touched by him, but really she had not needed him – or anyone else. But then that was what she had thought.

After Michael died, she had not known what to think. Tony had risked everything for her: surely someone who was just a partner would not do that. Most _friends_ wouldn't do that. But he had killed her boyfriend out of what she had assumed was malice and that was unforgivable. In her confused state she stayed in Israel: she couldn't trust Tony. She couldn't trust herself. She did not know what to think or what to do. Mossad could give her the familiarity that would not allow her to think. But then that was what she had thought.

Somalia had given her time to think. The time she had not wanted became her solace in her torture chamber. Thinking about what her relationship with Tony really was. What her relationship with Michael had actually been. She decided she had fallen into her father's trap on that front: Michael had been a ploy to get her to come back to Israel. To him. She then began to think about what her father was. Who she was. How she would never escape. But then that was what she had thought.

But then Tony saved her. The team was there, but she knew: it was really Tony who saved her. The team were there to save him. But they would never admit that. And she would never admit that she knew. Their relationship grew. And grew. It all accumulated into what Tony described as the _"post-elevator us" _and in hindsight Ziva began to realise all her misconceptions of Tony and her fate were exactly that. Misconceptions. Even before Michael she could not have lived without Tony. And she knew that now because well, that had been what she had thought but not what she now knew.

Then came that summer as it would always be known, and no words need be said on the subject, except that it was then she realised it wasn't that she just couldn't live without him. She needed him. He was the second half of her heart. Her soul-mate. She loved him. But even as he left her in Israel - because that was what she wanted and because he loved her, he wanted her to be happy – she couldn't say it. Or the undeniable truth: she couldn't live without him.

And so, as soon as the plane was out of sight, Ziva sat down. And cried.

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><p>After a few days in the little house, in which she had stayed with Tony, she realised she couldn't stay any longer. There were too many memories and, even though he hadn't been there long, everything reminded her of him.<p>

She decided to leave and, after a lot of her head convincing her heart that it was necessary, she concluded that she would not sell: she might need the little house as a hide out and now only Tony knew it existed. Or that was what she had thought. She was in the process of packing when Adam had shown up for his 'chat'.

When Ziva fled, she fled across the globe. Taking the first flight that left whichever airport she landed in. She travelled for a total of 96 hours before stopping to rest. She does not know where she rested, or even in what country she landed in but after a day in hotel dying and cutting her hair, buying new make-up and investing in new clothes to complete her disguise Ziva, now known as Rachel, departed and flew to Paris. That had been a mistake: almost.

'Rachel' then travelled Europe for a while; she didn't even know where she went. She paid in cash, never stayed in the same place for longer than a night or twice and never had Ziva been so grateful for her father's tips on hiding money for when you needed to disappear.

It was on Tony's birthday that Rachel became Lauren to visit DC so that she could just see Tony. She stayed in the Adam's House because she knew Tony would not go there willingly, unless his dad was in town.

A day later Lauren left DC on an early morning flight to Australia and was handed a note by a chipper flight attendant, who "was told to give the note to the girl with the dyed straight hair that looked like a Goth" Ziva had done a good job dressing up as Abby, and assumed that was how Gibbs knew how to find her.

Australia was well Australia. And Ziva vowed there and then that someday she would take her kids to Australia when they were old enough: whenever she found the right person to have them with.

From Australia, Ziva returned to DC with a card for Gibbs Birthday and went to New York after that. She was known as Phoebe for the duration of her time back in America again.

That Easter, Ziva went to Mexico, spent a week there and then returned to Israel. Adam happened. And then whilst at Nettie's Ziva heard about Parsa. By this time she had dropped the alias and the disguise but was not ready to return to DC so after a month with Nettie and her questions about "the lovely man I spoke to on the phone all those years ago" and "the person who had stolen her dear Ziva's heart" because apparently: "It was **OBVIOUS**!" Ziva decided to visit a country which she had never been sent on a mission to so she could admire it in its proper beauty. She found herself in Tuvalu. And that was where her troubles began and the reason she ended up in DC…

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><p>Arriving in a country at about 7 o'clock in the evening had its advantages and Ziva took full advantage of them upon her arrival in Tuvalu. She went out for dinner in her hotel and then visited the spa just before it closed at 11 o'clock.<p>

The next morning Ziva awoke early and decided to go and sunbathe by the sea. Carefully placing her bag and towel in a spot where they would not get disturbed, Ziva got into the clear blue sea and swam around watching the few fish she saw below. Looking up briefly she saw a figure watching her that looked a lot like none other than Jackie Vance. Ziva left the calm ocean quickly and walked towards the lone figure.

"Hello, Ziva." Jackie smiled. It was as if she did not know that she was dead. Maybe she was and Ziva was too. Ziva bit her tongue and was shocked but pleasantly surprised to find out she was not dead or dreaming. But that was not possible, because Jackie Vance was dead so how could she be standing in front of her?

"You look confused, Ziva. To be honest I would have thought you out of everyone would have realised the façade before now." Ziva opened her mouth, but no words came out. She tried again and heard herself say the word that summed up how she was feeling into a nice little bow:

"How?"

Jackie smiled. And then laughed. She laughed so hard that Ziva began to think that that saying dying of laughter wasn't as unlikely as she had thought. But then just as suddenly as it had started the laughter stopped and Jackie spoke.

"I will tell you, but first you must swear not to tell. Not anyone. But then I know that rule of Gibbs' and I will understand if you tell Tony just don't tell Leon or anyone that will tell him. Let me do that."

Ziva was surprised to hear that she could tell Tony but was more surprised that Jackie had assumed she would just tell him. And before she could promise, because her curiosity was just too great Jackie smiled once again.

"Ziva, we've all seen how you look at him and he you. Someday you will be together I know it and I know you trust him, so I do to."

Ziva interrupted before Jackie could say anymore, her voice laced with integrity but curiosity as well. "I promise. Just tell me how."

"It's ok I won't talk about you and Tony now. But we will. Soon. That is my promise to you. But for now I will heed your wishes and tell you." Jackie took a breath before continuing.

"I woke up once after I was shot whilst I was in the ambulance. But they sedated me so that I wouldn't harm myself. That I was not told until later, and Leon was told of me waking then; it is what gave him the hope that was to be shattered. I awoke again on the operating table and was told of a threat to my family, to Leon, and that I could stop it: if everyone thought I was dead. I agreed. So once they finished operating in me – it was actually a simple procedure – they made a very good model of me using supplies they'd obviously hidden for the purpose. I was later told they'd been planning to get me in the room following a car accident or something but were pleasantly surprised when I showed up without their own intervention. Once complete they hid me in the supply closet and told Leon I was dead. After you all left they hid me on a trolley bound for the morgue and told me I would escape through the vehicle entrance as they had a pick-up arranged for 'a body' – me- so that I could get out of DC.

Whilst in the van they told me the plan, and then they dropped me off and told me that after I completed my training and mission, I had to wait at least 5 years before returning to DC. I won't disclose my mission, but it is done and I have been hiding here for almost a year of the 5. I miss Leon, Ziva, how is he?"

Ziva did not know how to respond and so said "I do not know" hoping Jackie would ask the right question. She did and Ziva told her that she had not worked at NCIS for about just over 18 months. Ziva and Jackie caught up for the rest of the day and the next until Ziva told Jackie she had to leave but would be back.

At the airport Ziva planned to buy a ticket for Israel but found herself buying a ticket for DC and realised her plan of keeping it to herself was going to be too hard and she had to tell Tony. But once in DC she couldn't bring herself to see him after what the team had said and after what Gibbs had said to her as they worked quietly on his boat: _"Rule 12 doesn't apply to you two. Never did. I was only kidding myself when I thought that it did. Take it at your pace but you're his Shannon Ziva. Don't mess it up"_

She returned to Israel and two weeks later she received that package.

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><p>.<p>

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><p>"I sent it because I had to know. And I also had to ask whether it was you. You know that now. And I guess the team told you how I feel. I have to be back in DC by Monday: come with me. Please. I can't live without you. Gibbs is right"<p>

And Ziva realised she wanted to go with him, so badly, but she couldn't. Not yet. But that is what she thought.

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><p><span><strong>AN:**** Reviews please: I really want to improve. And I apologize for my inconsistent updating. I promise once I finish my exams I will try to update in a more regular routine for at least a month if I can...**


	11. Decisions

**AN: So I am officially the worst updater ever and I have no excuses but I'm back and when I decide to end this story will depend on where the next to chapters are headed. I know it's short but here's a new chapter just to say "I'm back and there's more to come soon" and I leave with a promise... if i get enough reviews tonight or over the weekend I'll update by Monday as I might be slightly more motivated to do so. If not I guess I'll write when my muse hits which like last time could be a while by which point my plot may change course again... Just to make it clear I'm not begging for reviews and I will update anyway. Reviews help me to write because they let me know how to improve, what to do better or keep going as I am.**

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><p><span><em><strong>last time in Moving Forward.<strong>_

_**"I sent it because I had to know. And I also had to ask whether it was you. You know that now. And I guess the team told you how I feel. I have to be back in DC by Monday: come with me. Please. I can't live without you. Gibbs is right"**_

_**And Ziva realised she wanted to go with him, so badly, but she couldn't. Not yet. But that is what she thought.**_

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><p>"I can't Tony" Ziva whispered, hoping that Tony wouldn't hear, wouldn't ask why. She couldn't deal with the why because she didn't know the why. She just couldn't. She had to follow her gut. But Ziva was confused. Why did her gut have to conflict with her heart and head? Why couldn't she go back? But Tony had heard. And he asked.<p>

Ziva did not respond. Instead she left the room, left the cottage, leaving a heart broken Tony in her wake…

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><p>Tony did not sleep that night. And Ziva did not return. Ziva did not return at all, and on the Monday Tony was due to depart he was reminded of his departure from Israel many years before, when once again he had been unable to say goodbye to Ziva. Say goodbye to his heart.<p>

" _boss, one short?"_

"_good to go"_

_Silence ensued. And Tony had been left to his thoughts. What had he done wrong? How could he fix it? How could he bring her back? How would he tell McGee? Abby?_

It hadn't taken long for his final questions to be answered and their lack of comprehension hadn't made it any easier. And this time was going to be even harder. Because at least last time he knew where it had all gone downhill… roughly. This time it just didn't seem right.

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><p>After Ziva left the cottage that night she had intended to go back. But as she thought about it further she thought a clean break would be best. But as she thought about it even more she knew what she had to do...<p> 


	12. Team

**A/N: **** No excuses but here you go. Till next time. Not long left. If my plan goes accordingly. No promises on the next update sorry it will be when it will be. That is all I can say.**

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><p>Work was slow when Tony got back. Not that was a bad thing it gave Tony time to think and move on, he had decided he had to forget Ziva, she had forgotten him, moved on. Left him alone; not even having the courage to say a proper goodbye. Everything was different Tony decided, with his decision he began to move on. Move forward with his life. Tony resolved to get a long-term girlfriend, no more flings. No more longing for a girl until it was too late. He would jump in feet first and see where it took him.<p>

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><p>There was something about Tony that was different. McGee just couldn't decide what. The maturity within Tony had been developing for years, especially in recent years so it couldn't be that. It had to be connected with his vacation. It was as if Tony had given up. Moved on and resigned himself to something but McGee didn't know what. McGee wasn't ignorant though. He knew Tony had slipped into his mask, the one that hid all the hurt. He knew Tony thought he'd moved on from something. He also knew Tony was really pining for that something, or someone, but wouldn't acknowledge it. Tim could guess at whom that someone was but didn't mention it. He couldn't mention it, because if he did Tony might break and a broken Tony was NOT GOOD. A broken Tony was a Tony no one can handle. That fateful summer pre-Somalia proved that. Tim also knew Tony's vacation was more than a vacation. It was THE vacation. Gibbs hadn't asked McGee to track Tony's phone that Monday when Tony didn't show up. In fact he just told McGee about Tony's holiday and asked if McGee wanted one as well. Tim had turned that opportunity down. He didn't like holidays and was saving up, it wasn't like he needed the money – his most recent book had assured him of that – he was aware however that sometimes holiday time came in useful last-minute. So McGee took Tony's badgering on the chin and didn't reciprocate at least not any more than expected of him… he didn't want Tony to know he knew something was up.<p>

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><p>Gibbs had noticed something in Tony. It surprised him really. From what he'd gathered Tony had been successful, at least in the sense that Ziva had gone to see him. From there Gibbs was unsure what had happened. All he knew was that Tony came back, alone, and had changed. For better or worse was yet to be discovered. Gibbs had plans for Tony but first Tony had to manage both cups, without it he would be treading water in a shark tank with no hope of rescue. Without the cups Tony would become him, and the last thing Gibbs wanted was for Tony to become like him.<p>

* * *

><p>Life is like a sports game. Your town, your workplace and your home are the home grounds. You know what to expect. At least you know most of the time. The lay of the land rarely changes not unless you change it, but sometimes change is necessary. Your family members are the supporters, through thick and thin they are there for you and they will support you no matter what you do to try to turn them away. Your friends are your team mates. They will also stick by your side. Work with you whatever you decide is the next move even if they disagree. Captaincy is shared among who needs it most or will use it the best. The captain is the one who everyone supports and whose decision is final. The team will accept the captain's decisions at all costs and if necessary will keep protests locked up inside. Teams will change. Teams will adapt to the situation. But most importantly once a team, always a team. The backbone and spirit will never leave you. You may move on, change teams, fall out with team mates, and make up with team mates, but ultimately your heart will be with those that were there for you first: your first team. Sometimes a team, your friends become a family. This change happens gradually and suddenly at the same time. When the boundary became blurred and disappeared will be a mystery but it will be the best mysteries ever, for you have gained something that you never want to lose. The MCRT, Ducky decided, is that team. The team that became the loyal never-giving-up supporters. The friends who became family. The family is missing a member but is refusing to accept it. The father is missing a daughter. The siblings their sibling. The Uncle and cousin their niece or cousin respectively. The son his soul mate. But what Ducky decided is that a family doesn't just remain broken it will mend because a family cannot stay apart forever. They are forever loyal, hoping to return to their roots. Their home ground…<p>

* * *

><p>When Tony first called him, Jimmy was shocked. He never got that "I consider you a friend" vibe from Tony. In fact he never really felt the "I respect you vibe". But Jimmy hadn't thought about it much really. If he had, like he was now, he would have realised Tony's jokes were him showing he cared. That he was a friend and he thought of you as one too. So Jimmy sat with Tony listening to him about the vacation. About Ziva. Because that was what Tony needed. Someone to listen. And Jimmy decided he needed to do something because you don't just sit on the side-lines when your people are in trouble. And whether Tony knew it or not he was in trouble.<p>

* * *

><p>Abby felt it in her gut. She knew something wasn't right. Even Caff-pow wouldn't get rid of the feeling. Something about her team had changed. Was wrong. She had to do something. Anything.<p>

* * *

><p>The team meeting was called that Thursday afternoon. Everyone was there. Except Tony. Tony had stayed in the bullpen, working. He hadn't even noticed everyone leaving. He had finished more paperwork than most people in the office got done in a fortnight and that was that morning. Tony hadn't even thrown one ball of paper at McGee or given him a McNickname. In fact the silence had been unnerving. The team meeting led to a revelation, a decision and a plan…<p>

* * *

><p>Although Ziva knew what she had to do it was going to be hard. She didn't know how to do it. But what she did know is she needed some help from the people she trusted the most. So at about the same time as the team meeting at the NCIS headquarters was finishing up Ziva picked up the phone and did what she had been taught never to do for it was weak. Ziva asked for help. Ziva asked for forgiveness. But what she heard wasn't what she wanted to hear…<p> 


End file.
